All the emotions are useful, and anger – it may seem surprising, with all its negative connotations, is no different. The word angry may conjure up an image of a red-faced brute intent on getting his own way and not caring how much hurt and destruction he causes en route. This could be described as uncontained or narcissistic anger. It is quite childish in its lack of concern for anybody else. In fact children tend to express their anger either aggressively like that or passively by refusing to co-operate, neither of which brings about the desired result. The middle way is adult assertion.
We each have an unseen, but felt, boundary around ourselves – our ‘personal space’, inside which is our private self which we try to maintain in a balanced and comfortable state. When something or someone disturbs and upsets us, often by invading our personal space, we feel all sorts of emotions including anger. This could be expressed childishly using physical force or through passive aggression: refusing to speak or sulking, but the most effective technique is assertion or ‘telling it like it is’. This requires a degree of self-control so that there is time to think, take stock and process what has caused the upset. If the attacker can calm down and enter into an adult-to-adult dialogue then a resolution can be found but this won’t happen if either or both parties are just screaming at one another like kids.
Anger mediates distance and being at the ‘right’ distance from others is one of the secrets of a happy life. This is exactly what a child is doing who is thought to have the ‘terrible twos’. He is healthily asserting himself in order to learn how to live as a separate person away from his mother. If someone feels he is being intruded upon and his private space is being invaded, the natural response is to get rid of the invader and restore the balance. But many people have not developed the capacity to do this assertively, often because there has been no opportunity as a child when parents and teachers seem so big and powerful and perhaps don’t give the child a hearing. And often adults set a very poor example of how to manage their own anger. One of the hardest words to use is ‘No’.
Lots of us shy away from protecting ourselves from doing something we don’t want to do because we find it easier to ‘turn the other cheek’ and comply, even against our true feelings. We then feel angry towards ourselves. Some people take this to extremes and harm themselves by, for example, cutting or burning, taking ill-considered risks, using drugs or alcohol and sometimes suicide. Others become ‘people pleasers’ and believing ‘anything for a quiet life’ they assent to anything the outsider demands and certainly don’t assert themselves. This means that they are not being true to themselves, they prioritise the other’s interests over their own and lose their own self by involuntarily giving it away or allowing it to be taken from them. Any loss risks depression.
So using anger assertively as a self-protector is vital to help the internal self to settle back into its comfortable state of equilibrium. And it is important not to swallow the anger down but get it out by ‘saying it like it is’. For all sorts of reasons rational discussion may not be possible but the important thing is that the aggrieved party does not to slip into passive acceptance of the insult otherwise his unexpressed anger will continue to grate and eat away at positive feelings towards himself, preventing the restoration of an internal feeling of balance. If all else fails the psychic energy which has been generated can be released physically, through sports or other activity – even thumping a cushion or throwing stones in the river. Another method of letting go of the anger is to write a letter as if the other person were going to read it but instead of sending it put it away for a couple of weeks or more. When you re-read it with fresh eyes it will make quite an impact and you may feel sufficiently unburdened to ritualistically burn it. It goes without saying that counselling is an excellent forum in which to make sense and come to terms with the distress and destruction that anger can generate.
If you, or someone close to you, is suffering from anger or aggression issues please get in touch. Taking the first steps can be a challenge, but the rewards can be life changing. I can help you find ways to deal with your frustrations and discover a more balanced life.
